My partner tells me that I'm a terrible listener in our relationship. I think he's probably right.
I can tell you how you should listen, but I admit I don't always practice these things. Active listening is neutral and nonjudgmental; it's patient.
We don't notice our own silence because we are giving verbal and nonverbal feedback through smiling and eye contact (although it's important to point out that making eye contact is seen as disrespectful in some cultures). Active listening is about asking questions and asking for clarification; it's about summarizing.
It's also important that you listen with all your senses so you can listen for what is not being said too. Actively listening to others is just one type of active listening.
It's every bit as important that we listen actively to ourselves. In recovery, we can hear our inner voice and encourage it to speak loudly.